The Shack

My hands absent-mindedly rest on my hollow belly.  Remembering loss, yearning for answers, and reaching for hope.  I look out the window from this little nest I've created to see two birds sitting on the ledge of our deck.  They are happy.  I learned yesterday that they've made themselves at home in our shed.  My eyes are drawn to the sky, the deep blue sky of a soon-to-be-spring day.  Our kitchen turned sunroom is where I'm soaking my soul in the sun... in the Son.

Heaven.

Can I see heaven?  I'm not sure why we look up, but we do... when we want to see heaven.  Yesterday we sent a message of love to heaven, to Mia.  And today I wonder if she got it.  Does she know she was wished for?  Does she know she was longed for?  Does she know that she is loved?

I decided to make this a day of reading.  I'm reading The Shack.  A book I started reading a couple years ago, when Raihana was just young.  I stopped at page 55, just after the little girl is abducted.  My heart left in that place of despair, of a parent losing a child.  It was too close for comfort.  What if that happened to our baby-girl?  I couldn't stand to imagine.  So, I did what we all do as humans, I put the doubts and fear back on the shelf.  Literally.

I knew now was the time to read it though.  I've come to terms with the knowledge that bad things do happen to good people.  And, more importantly, we really are not in control... even when we think we are.  There was nothing I could have done differently to prevent this miscarriage or the one before.  There is nothing that I can do to guarantee that Raihana will stay safe from harm.  Of course, as a parent, I take every reasonable step to try to ensure that she stays safe... but at the end of the day, I can do all things right and something bad could still happen.

That might sound a bit fatalistic.  But it's not.  It's surrender.  Surrender to the One I know cares about Raihana even more than I do.  He cares for Malaika and Mia even more than me.  I surrender to Him.

I want to finish this book today.  So I'm not going to stay here long, but I just had to share of my courageous moment... when I picked up a book that I knew would be hard to read, knowing that the story that unfolds is one of hope, of healing, of redemption and of a God whom I know cares deeply for me.  For me. He loves me and cries with me through these moments of pain.  He knows what it is like to lose a child.  He knows.

He knows.